Edit: I haven’t been on this blog in years. I just found this post in my drafts from over 3 years ago! After this post we started the adoption process and then God surprised us with a beautiful, blessed daughter, Gwyneth through a natural pregnancy. Now 3 years later we are certified to adopt and are an official waiting family. Praise the Lord for answered prayers!
Carter Edward, the most handsome 2 year old was born on August 5, 2013. While conceciving Carter I never took an ovulation test; we were extremely blessed by how quickly God gave us with this perfect gift. A year later in August of 2014 I first emailed my doctor. The email looked something like this, "Chris and I have never used birth control.. I want to be pregnant, and I'm not. What can I do?" She said to wean Carter and if I wasn't pregnant within 6 months to email her back. So a month later Carter was fully weaned. 8 months later I still wasn't pregnant, so I emailed my doctor. Later that month we were seen for our first infertility appointment. During that appointment the doctor did a series of test, and then after the appointment I told him I was a day late. He had me take a pregnancy test, and right away said it was negative. I was heart broken. Within an hour later the doctor called Chris' cell phone while we were at dinner and said that the test came back positive after all. Praise God. I went in for blood work the next day to confirm, and sure enough I was! We went back 6 weeks later with Carter sporting his "big brother" shirt. We saw a small fetus, but we didn't see or hear a heartbeat. The doctor assured us it was just too soon, and made us an appointment for two weeks out. Two weeks later we went back and heard a small heartbeat (about 40 beats per minute). The doctor prepared us and told us that our baby was "limping along." We were both in tears, but I couldn't believe it. I led myself to believe that I was less along than we thought and the heart just wasn't as developed yet. I told myself that God can move mountains, and we both had faith. When we went back next it was clear that I was having a miscarriage. The next week I passed our 8 week baby naturally. Then I went in for an ultrasound to make sure all was well only to find out that I had a 1.5 inch cyst on my uterus. Eventually this dissipated thanks to medicine. The next step was to get blood work to hopefully answer our questions regarding my infertility. We already knew that Chris has olympic sperm. We found out that I have diminished Ovarian Reserve; which means that I have a very small amount of eggs and half are bad quality. The causes are chemotherapy, radiation therapy, or genetics (specifically fragile X syndrome). Fragile X?! Huge red flag! At least 8 people on my dad's side of the family have fragile X syndrome. So 4 days later I got the blood work done to see if I am a carrier of Fragile X syndrome. And yesterday we got the results... I am a carrier. What does this mean? Females are XX and males are XY. Carter must have gotten my X that I received from my mom. If our next child gets the X I received from my dad he or she could have fragile X syndrome; which would COMPLETELY change our lives. Its a 50/50 chance. Don't get me wrong we would never, ever love this child any less than Carter. I have seen first hand in my family how lives are changed though. In Canada my aunt has been provided support from the government for her disabled children. I don't think that would be offered to us unless we were to move to Canada. Talk about life change! So now we are going through the steps of grieving; grieving the loss of what could've been, of the family we have dreamt of. We have felt shock, disbelief, and sorrow. Now we are processing and praying that God makes it clear to us both what our next steps should be. Do we trust God and get me on clomid and see what we are given. An egg donor is an option. Or do we get on birth control and start the adoption process.
Some people would say, "you are so blessed to have Carter. Why not stop trying now and be happy for what you have?" Yes, we are fully aware that Carter is an incredible gift from God, but our hearts are aching for siblings for Carter.
By pouring out my heart I am making myself incredibly vulnerable which is scary, but it is my hope that I can encourage anyone else who is walking down this same road. Infertility is not talked about enough and it can be a heartbreaking journey, so I want you to know that you are not alone. Writing this blog is also a way for me to process what I am going through. What I ask from you is to please pray that God will give Chris and I direction, and peace. What I don't ask for is advice... these are very personal decisions that we have to make, and no one can make them for us. Thank you!
Lord God, you are sovereign. I pray that you will strengthen my back; not lighten my load. I know you have brought me down this road for a reason, and it is my hope that I will glorify you in all things. Amen.
Philippians 4:13
Psalm 34:18
1 Thessalonians 5:18
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